


Abiit Nemine Salutato

by CharlieDaltonStan



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Death, Near Death Experiences, Please don't let that put you off, Soz, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide mention, god this looks dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:20:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25006834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharlieDaltonStan/pseuds/CharlieDaltonStan
Summary: What is Charlie supposed to do without Neil? How was he supposed to cope? He had decided that he didn't have to so he wasn't going to. Until one night, with some persuasion, he gets forced to leave the confines of his room.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Abiit Nemine Salutato

Charlie hated this sweater. He hated the dumb green color and the thick itchy wool inside. He hated that it was so long and it hit his knees. He hated this fucking sweater because he couldn’t bring himself to take it off. It still smelled like him. The earthy smell of Neil, his deodorant that smells like rain, and his fabric softener that smelled like sunshine. Sometimes when he took one long deep breath he caught the clinging smell of smoke and a trace of something that was so distinctly Neil that it made his lungs hurt. He hated this sweater, because it wasn’t his.  
Charlie was drunk, when was he not these days. He sat against the wall of his bedroom, a half empty bottle of god knows what held limply in his hand. He stared off at nothing, the sweater still scratching his neck and he couldn’t even bring himself to reach up and scratch it. The door swung open and he could tell by the light, yet commanding footsteps that it was Cameron. He was joined by another set of heavier footsteps. Knox’s. 

“Hey Charlie?” Knox said, greeting him like it was a question. Like he was anxious. It made Knox’s neck itch harder.  
“Hi.” The first word he’d spoken in around a week. His voice didn’t even sound like his own anymore.  
“You are aware that it’s only 11:45?” Cameron asked, motioning to his drink.  
“”It’s five o'clock somewhere.” Charlie grumbled out.  
“But not here…” Cameron said, slowly taking the bottle from his hand. Charlie didn’t even try to fight it.  
“Everyone misses you, Charlie.” Knox said, quietly but still somehow cheerful. How could he be so damn cheerful? “We’re all gonna go out tonight, sledding or something, they paved the roads and we were thinking about going to that big hill near the lake. Maybe make a couple snowmen... “ Knox was rambling. All Knox seems to do when he comes and visits is ramble. Not that Charlie himself is great company anymore. Knox probably didn’t think Charlie was listening when he rambled. Charlie was….he wished he wasn’t.  
“And the guys and I were talking and...will you come? Please. We really miss you and it’ll be a ton of fun. We’re gonna steal the lids off trash cans. Like we used too.” Knox was begging. It felt pathetic. Charlie knows he should feel bad, but he also knows that it doesn’t.  
“No.” He says. He doesn’t want to go out. How dare anyone go out without Neil? How dare they have fun and smile and laugh? Neil will never get to do this again.  
“Come on, Charlie. You love sledding. I thought about maybe getting Chris to bring some of her friends and-”  
“No!”  
“Please...Nuwanda-”  
“Don’t call me that.” He spat, the name made bile pool in his mouth. All he could hear was  
‘Damn it Neil, the name is Nuwanda.’  
‘Damn it Neil’  
‘Damn it.’  
‘Neil.’

“Charlie!” Cameron's voice cut through his thoughts.  
“What?  
“Neil wouldn’t want this.”  
And something inside Charlie just broke. It burned, it itched.  
“Neil’s dead.” He said, it didn’t hurt quite like it should or maybe he just didn’t mean it.  
“Wha-” Knox sounded like he was crying. Charlie didn’t care.  
“Neil went and killed himself so who cares what he would have wanted.” this didn’t sound like him.  
“I do!”  
Charlie didn’t know what to say. So he didn’t say anything. Knox sighed. “Please Charlie...just think about it.”  
“See you later Knox.” Cameron says. Knox grumbled out some sort of goodbye and left. 

“Just because you’re hurting doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.” Cameron says, no hate in his voice, just disappointment and tiredness.  
“What do you fucking know?” Charlie did not want to hear this.  
“I know that I’ve never seen you look this bad. I know that they care- we care about you. I know that I am worried about you.”  
Charlie could explode, his body folded into himself. He wondered how long it would take to disappear.  
“Look Charlie, you’re not eating, you’re barely doing your work, you sell like a goddamn sewer and you- you’re not yourself.” himself? Who even was he?  
“My best friend died!” Charlie shouted.  
“You think I don’t know that?! I know that Neil is dead, but you know what else I know, Charlie? I know that you are alive. You are living and breathing and you’re dying in front of me. And Neil wouldn’t have wanted this. We don’t want this.” Cameron had often yelled at Charlie, but this was something new. This hurt.  
“Well fuck you guys.” Charlie mumbled. 

Cameron sighed, “ I lost a friend too, Charlie. Neil was my friend too. He was all of our friend, but you are the only one who thinks it is completely acceptable to be acting like this. You’re acting like he’s gonna come back and life will go back to normal, but until then you’ll just let yourself die. Well we’re not letting that happen… we can’t lose two friends Charlie. I won’t let another one slip because I didn’t pay any attention. “  
Charlie had so many things to say, but they died on his tongue when he saw Cameron's face, tired, sad. Lost. A look that Cameron didn’t often allow himself to wear.  
“Rich…” he mumbled. Then Cameron's face hardened again.  
“Don’t ‘Rich’ me. Just...go take a shower, eat something and come out tonight. They’ll go anywhere you want to go.”  
“Is Todd coming” The question shocked them both. Todd. he couldn’t remember if he’d even thought about Todd since the funeral. That was certainly the last time he’d seen him. Holding his sweater hand and staring at his tear stained cheek. Had he thought about Todd this week? Surely he must’ve. Surely somewhere in his scrambled torn up week of thoughts he must;ve thought about Todd.  
“Uhhh...I don’t know.” Cameron said. “Why?”  
“Because I’m not going if Todd is not going.:

Maybe it was his pride. Maybe it was some petty childlike grievance, but he refused to let Todd go and him sit at home alone. If Todd was done grieving than dammit… he was too. 

"Okay...I'll find out." Cameron left. 

Todd was, in fact, coming. So Charlie got himself in the shower and put on his sweater and sweatpants combo he'd be wearing for several weeks. He stared at himself in the mirror, he needed to shave, but he didn't. He needed to comb his hair, but he didn't. He needed to smile, but he didn't. So, he grabbed his cigarette and walked out.  
The guys were all standing around, they looked lost. Meeks saw him first, his face was painted with complete disbelief and confusion, but he smiled anyway. "Hey Charlie..." Meeks says. It felt like a thousand eyes were glued too him. His eyes met Todd's crystal blue, but Todd's did not seem to meet his. Charlie looked away.  
Pitts clamped him on the shoulder, "Hey bud. How are you doing?"  
Charlie couldn't even hold his glare back, "I'm driving," he mumbled and grabbed the keys out of Knox's hand.  
Knox drove a shitty old van that used to be his moms. It was a straight gear with brakes that you had to slam on to get it to stop. But at least Knox had a car with enough seats to fit seven...even though it only needs to fit six now. They all pile into the car.

"Where are we going, Doc?" Knox asked, sliding into the passenger seat.  
"Out of our minds." Charlie said, he could hear Cameron's scoff from the backseat. His eyes flicked to the rearview mirror. Three nervous faces and Todd's.  
"Any complaints?"  
His eyes met with Todd's in the mirror and he definitely was staring back at him this time. "Drive." Todd said. The word echoed through the car as Charlie put the car in drive. No plan at all. The car is silent, nothing but the shifting of the gear shifts and Charlie's shaky labored breath. No one dared to ask Charlie where he was going or if he would turn on the music. If Charlie wanted to say, he would. If he wanted to put the music on, he would. The boys cramped in the backseat couldn't help but share anxious glances. They'd never known Charlie not to blast music and sing along to every word. It was almost like Charlie wasn't driving, but someone else. Someone who had crawled inside of him and forced him to be silent and stoic. This wasn't their friend. No matter how much he looked like him. 

Charlie hit an abandoned road at some point and the car started to go faster and faster and..  
"Charlie you're going 80!" Knox yelled.  
"Charlie slow down!" Cameron shouted.  
Charlie did not stop. If anything he pushed harder on the pedal. He was not stopping this dammed car. Was he crying? God, he must've been. His cheeks were wet and his eyes were stinging.  
"Charlie! Stop the car!' Everyone was screaming at him. Everyone, but Todd. All Todd did was lean against the window, his eyes closed. Charlie was pushing 100, still going straight down a road that he knew went on for miles. The car was pushing into his back as his hands clutched the wheel. A sound echoed through the car Laughter. Charlie was laughing. His laughs bounced off the car. It was loud and pained. No humor behind it. They sounded like laughs, but they must've been sobs. They hurt like sobs.  
"Charlie stop you're scaring me. You're gonna get us killed!" Knox yelled. Charlie wanted to scream. If Neil had to die... then dammit so did they. They had to- and that's when Charlie saw it. A squirrel in the road about fifty feet ahead. He slammed on the break and everyone flung forward.  
"What the fuck, Charlie" He heard Cameron say, but Charlie had already hopped out of the car. The squirrel. Please... please let it be okay. There it was, in the middle of the road. Dead. He'd hit it. He'd killed it. He'd killed the squirrel. He'd killed him. He looked at the squirrel and he could swear that he saw Neil laying on that cold pavement blood pooling out of his head. He killed Neil. The scream Charlie let out was guttural and loud. He swore it went on for hours. By the time his throat had begun to hurt there were five friends stood behind him, and Charlie was clutching the squirrel in his hands. 

"Charlie..." Knox whispered, placing a hand on Charlie's shoulder.  
"I killed him, Knox." He whispered. "I killed him."  
"Killed him! You almost killed us-" Cameron said, but was stopped by Pitts, slapping him in the back of his head.  
"Charlie it's a squirrel... it was in the road. There was nothing you could have done." Knox whispered.  
"I should have done better! I should have been better!" Charlie screamed. "He should be alive. He should be here, but he's not because I failed him! We failed him!"  
Knox realized that he wasn't talking about the squirrel, he sighed softly and rubs his back.  
"I know."  
"We all watched him die. We watched him completely fade right before our eyes... and we didn't say anything, we didn't do anything."  
"Charlie we did all we could...All we could."  
"We could have done better. We deserved better."  
" I know."  
Charlie couldn't stop the tears from flowing, "It should have been me... he had such a life to live."  
Then another hand touches his shoulder. Todd.  
"It's not you though." He says, voice hoarse and tired. "It can't be you. I promise you, I have stayed up nights and nights thinking about it being me or you other than him, but it's not us."  
"That doesn't mean it shouldn't be."  
"You can't bring him back, Charlie. You can't do anything except kill your own self. And you can't do that."  
"Why not?"  
"Because wherever Neil is...if you show up this soon. I sincerely doubt that he'd want to see you."

Charlie looked down. Todd was right and that was really annoying. Charlie put down the squirrel and looked up.  
"When will it stop hurting?" He whispers.  
"It won't. I'm positive it won't."  
"Then what are we gonna do."  
"We're gonna get up off the sidewalk and we're gonna go sledding and...we're gonna move on, Charlie."  
"What if we can't?"  
"I really don't think we have a choice."  
Charlie sighs and stands up, with Knox's help. 

"I think I'm gonna drive this time." Knox mumbled.  
They did go sledding and it was fun. It wasn't the same, it still hurt. At one point, Charlie found himself lying in the snow. The snow leaking through the sweater and freezing him to the bones and staring up at a starry sky. He picks his favorite one and calls it Neil. He doesn't believe in God...or an afterlife. But he believes in Neil. He believes that Neil is watching. He hopes he's happy. 

"Hey Charlie!" Meeks yells, he turns his head and gets hit with six snowballs. He laughs. A real laugh. It still hurt, but for the first time in a long time. He wasn't alone. They were all hurting together. So Charlie made a snowball and threw one back. For Neil.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my best good pal, ConsiderableColors for the beta read and support. Check out there stuff if you haven't they are a genius. 
> 
> Title Translates to- He went away without bidding anyone farewell.


End file.
